Insecurity. We all feel it.
Do you feel it when you are online dating and you put yourself out there, reaching out to a man you thought had a nice profile — only to receive crickets chirping on the other end?
Do you feel it when you see pictures your ex posted on Facebook of himself and a beautiful woman?
Do you feel it when you see another woman dress to the nines, draped in Chanel, carrying an expensive bag, and looking like 1 million bucks?
I know there are literally a million and one ways we can feel insecure throughout the course of an hour, day, week, year, and lifetime. And especially with love.
One of my clients is dating a great man, but sometimes, when they are out in public, he will have a roaming eye. He is totally attentive to her when they are alone, but in public, his attention span is limited and he gets distracted.
She asked me: “It totally bothers me when his attention is roaming. And I am totally judging myself for being bothered by it, because it means I am insecure, or so I have read in other articles. I can be fairly logical about why his attention is roaming and talk myself into why it doesn't’t matter. But should I? Or is it okay to feel insecure?”
My answer to her was that insecurity is a great thing! No, I am not trying spin trash into gold. Stay with me.
Insecurity is there to SAVE us. Yes, that ugly feeling that we try to push away is a signal to SAVE us. It pops up to remind us to feel worthy.
Insecurity is whispering that there’s somewhere in your life that you aren’t standing up for and acting on what you desire.
When you find yourself getting jealous or wondering why he isn’t paying attention, ask yourself: “In what way have I not been standing up for and acting on what I am worth?” And start acting and expressing yourself to bring that back into alignment.
So, what I said to my client was: It is totally normal for you to feel insecure if you aren’t getting the attention you deserve. You need to say something. Tell him that is not okay, and it makes you feel like he is not present, and makes you feel like you aren’t the most important thing in the room. Ask him why he does it, because it could have nothing to do with you and just be an unknown habit. Express yourself and get on the same page with each other.
She felt nervous, but she went for it and said something to him. At first, he was uncomfortable hearing it and defending himself that he didn’t mean it that way. She was patient with him and okay with his initial reaction. They continued to talk through it, and it came out that other women he had dated have brought this up to him, and it’s more of a habit than anything else.
And later he said, “You know, you are right. I’m going to make sure that you understand that my attention is on you.”
Now if my client had just decided to sit back and convince herself that she was being crazy, or tried to talk herself out of it, then she wouldn’t have given herself the opportunity to stand up for herself. She felt more empowered, and speaking up gave him a chance to think about it and know what she needed so he could give it to her.
There you go! Insecurity is an invitation to ask yourself in what way are you not expressing or in action around what it is that you want or desire.
Your Love Work is:
Ask yourself: Where in your love life do you find yourself feeling insecure? Look at one example. Then pinpoint: What is it about that situation that is making you feel insecure?
Then ask yourself: What do you desire or want that you haven’t asked for or acted on that is making you feel insecure? Then go do it.
Write to us about your insecurities and how do you overcome them?
Kavita Patel
Author
Kavita J Patel is a Relationship Expert and Love Specialist on a mission to help women worldwide make quantum leaps in their happiness and love lives. As a second-generation Indian American, Kavita's Indian heritage and spirituality deeply inform her coaching, and bring a blend of Eastern and W...
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