Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Can I Convince My Friend That Her Threatening Boyfriend Is The Problem, Not Me?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Can I Convince My Friend That Her Threatening Boyfriend Is The Problem, Not Me?

Lifestyle Feb 28, 2024

by Hina P. Ansari

Dr. Monica Vermani continues her series where she gives advice on life, love and everything in between. “The Villain” just wanted to provide a safe space and shelter for her friend who was going through a breakup with her violent boyfriend. However the threatening inclinations became too close to home and she had to draw the line of her friend’s ex trespassing on her property. Her friend decided to move out and proceeded to let her circle of friends think that she actually was forced out making “The Villain”, well the villain. What should she do?

[About the Contributor: Dr. Monica Vermani (@drmonicavermani) is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.]

Dear Dr. Monica,

Two months ago, a friend of mine who had spent five years in a volatile relationship with a very controlling man called and asked me if she could temporarily move into my spare bedroom (I live in a two-bedroom condo), as she had finally made the decision to end her relationship. I agreed and told her that she was welcome to stay as long as she needed until she got back up on her feet.

After moving in, we spent talked long into the night, and she confided to me in strict confidence the many problems, including domestic violence, that she had experienced in her relationship.

Two weeks ago, she announced one morning that she had reached out to her ex in a moment of weakness, but that she had ultimately decided against getting back together with him.

The reason that she told me this, she said, I was that he knew where she was living and had started leaving threatening phone messages. I told her than I would call the police if I saw him anywhere nearby, then she stormed off and hasn’t spoken to me since. She communicated with me by text since that encounter: once to arrange to pick up her belongings and leave my keys (at a time when I would not be home), and another time to inform me that she no longer wanted any form of communication with me.

Since then, she has lied to mutual friends, telling them that I forced her out. Suddenly I am cast as the villain in this situation when all I was trying to do was to protect my friend and myself from physical danger Should I defend myself to my friends, or keep my former friend’s violent relationship history to myself.

Signed,

The Villain

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Can I Convince My Friend That Her Threatening Boyfriend Is The Problem, Not Me? — Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Can I Convince My Friend That Her Threatening Boyfriend Is The Problem, Not Me: As much as “The Villain” has tried to help her friend she the entire situation is adding to her stress and anxiety. Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dear Villain,

It sounds to me that you provided invaluable and effective support to your friend at a very difficult time in her life. This, to me, speaks volumes in terms of your trustworthiness and character as a friend. Your friend has made a choice that is hurtful to you, and I understand why you feel unfairly hurt and judged by her.

The best way forward for you is not to take her choices and actions personally, and to resist the urge to defend yourself to your friends. This may seem impossible and undoable … but hear me out. Your friend’s choice and actions show you who she is … not who you are. Surround yourself with positive people who appreciate and value you, and who support you as much as you support them.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Hina P. Ansari

Author

Hina P. Ansari is a graduate from The University of Western Ontario (London, Ontario). Since then she has carved a successful career in Canada's national fashion-publishing world as the Entertainment/Photo Editor at FLARE Magazine, Canada's national fashion magazine. She was the first South Asian in...

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Can I Convince My Friend That Her Threatening Boyfriend Is The Problem, Not Me?

by Hina P. Ansari

Hina P. Ansari

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