Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Why Does Our Family Get Togethers Always End With A Fight?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Why Does Our Family Get Togethers Always End With A Fight?

Lifestyle Nov 24, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani (@drmonicavermani) is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I am part of a large extended family, and we have always enjoyed getting together to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and special occasions. But increasingly, in the past few years, these gatherings have more often than not descended into bitter arguments, with each party refusing to see the other’s point of view, with one person leaving in a huff, and leaving everyone upset. (Several people seem to repeatedly become involved in these very unpleasant disputes.)

A few weeks ago, my husband and I hosted to celebrate our daughter’s 14^th birthday. The evening ended in shouting and tears, after my husband and my brother-in-law got into a heated discussion about a trivial matter involving local politics, which is something my husband is not remotely passionate about.

I don’t know how much more of this sort of behavior can tolerate, and I am reluctant to continue to put a huge amount of time and effort into preparing for a family gathering that almost inevitably leaves everyone feeling worse for having attended. I am dreading an upcoming anniversary party for my parents, and considering avoiding the get-togethers altogether!

It seems that no one can agree to disagree anymore. Do you have any suggestions for intervening in such arguments before they get out of hand? Or is it better to simply avoid these get-togethers for a while, until my hot-headed family members can learn to get along?

Signed,

Reluctant

Ref

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Why Does Our Family Get Togethers Always End With A Fight? — **Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Why Does Our Family Get Togethers Always End With A Fight: “Reluctant Ref” loves to host her extended family but can’t figure out why it always ends up in arguments.** Photo Credit; www.pexels.com

Dear Reluctant,

I empathize with your predicament, and I am sure many readers will too. These days, we seem to be living in a world where people are becoming less and less tolerant and accepting of differences of opinion, and more focused on right fighting and winning rather than listening to and considering other people’s conflicting ideas, and, as you say, agreeing to disagree.

While there is nothing wrong with a healthy and respectful debate, this does not seem to be what is happening here. There could be many underlying reasons for such negatively charged interactions, including underlying emotional baggage, and/or personal insecurities.

Whatever the contributing factors at play, it is very unfortunate that so many members of your family are feeling the negative consequences of the bad behavior of a few. I would advise that you not allow the bad behavior of a few to negatively impact your family gatherings. I strongly suggest that close family members talk one-on-one with the combative minority in advance of your next get-together, and set boundaries around what is and is not acceptable behavior. And the next time one of these combative arguments threatens an otherwise pleasant family gathering, the sparring right-fighters should be instructed to change the subject for the sake of everyone present or banished to a separate space where they will not be a bother to everyone present. Best of luck! And don’t give in to bad behavior!

Main Image Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Why Does Our Family Get Togethers Always End With A Fight?

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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