Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law To Stop Intruding In My Daughter’s Wedding Plans?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law To Stop Intruding In My Daughter’s Wedding Plans?

Lifestyle Nov 03, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani (@drmonicavermani) is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

At best, I have a civil if a little strained relationship with my sister-in-law. I have always felt uncomfortable around her sense of competitiveness. And it came to a head recently, in a conversation about my daughter’s upcoming engagement party.

A little background. Sonja (not her real name) and I are married to brothers who are very close. Our husbands would love nothing more than for she and I to have a friendly, supportive relationship. It was all I could do to keep my thoughts to myself as my sister-in-law negatively compared my children to hers for years. As a result of her constant comparisons, our children never enjoyed one another’s company, and grew apart as young adults.

My daughter and her fiancé chose a nice restaurant as the venue for their engagement party. They made it clear that they wanted a relaxed nice dinner for family and a few close friends, with no speeches, gifts, or fanfare. A few days after the invitations went out, my sister-in-law showed up, party invite in hand, and demanded that we ask her daughter to act as emcee of the event. I declined the offer, explaining my daughter’s wish for a simple evening. My sister-in-law then insisted that she would call her directly and sort this out. I told her not to bother my daughter, that their minds were made up. She insisted that her daughter would make a perfect emcee, and she would call my daughter and talk sense into her.

I found myself saying that even if they wanted an emcee, my daughter would choose a close friend to fill that role. This infuriated my sister-in-law. She stormed out and declined the invitation to my daughter’s party. Now I’m under pressure from my husband, my daughter, and my brother-in-law to apologize and patch things up! I’m feeling judged, blamed, and unfairly responsible for making peace! How can I fix this?

Signed,

Word-weary

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law To Stop Intruding In My Daughter's Wedding Plans? — Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law To Stop Intruding In My Daughter’s Wedding Plans: Wedding plans are already stressful enough, now add a disgruntled relative to it! Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dear Weary,

Why not enlist all the family members who are throwing you under the bus and demanding that you make this situation right part of the solution? For example, you could bring your husband and brother-in-law along to meet with your sister-in-law. Allow their influence to dilute the hurt feelings — however misplaced and inaccurate you feel they are — and smooth things over. If this doesn’t do the trick, bring in your secret weapon — your daughter — who could give her cousin and aunt special roles in preparing for her upcoming wedding. She could invite them along to shop for her wedding dress, research wedding cake makers, caterers, or florists, or host a rehearsal dinner.

It doesn’t matter who is to blame. What does matter is what is at stake. And what’s at stake is a whole lot of family business that doesn’t need to go from bad to worse. The only person you can control is yourself. You can choose to make this better, even though you are by no means entirely to blame. Sometimes in life, especially when we are dealing with people we know can be difficult, we need to give in, and give them a little of what they want or need, or, as I like to say, give the baby the bottle! And I’m guessing what your sister-in-law wants and needs is to feel included. In the interest of world peace, I suggest you give this approach a try.

Best of luck!

Dr. Monica Vermani

Main Image Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: How Do I Tell My Sis-In-Law To Stop Intruding In My Daughter’s Wedding Plans?

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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