Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: What Do I Do When My Fiancé Shares His Dog With His Ex?

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: What Do I Do When My Fiancé Shares His Dog With His Ex?

Lifestyle Aug 08, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about life, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I’m in the doghouse with my fiancé, his ex-girlfriend, and Katz, his best friend (an adorable, well-behaved three-year-old border collie). I have no problem with having a dog. But it bothers me that my fiancé shares custody of this dog with his ex.

Shortly after we got engaged, I told him what I thought, that I’d never heard of such a thing, and that the whole arrangement seems just ridiculous to me. I told him that he should either give Katz to his ex-girlfriend or keep him full-time. My fiancé called me out for not bringing up the issue earlier, which he says I should have done if it bothered me so much. I guess I should have said something sooner, but until we got engaged I felt like it was none of my business.

My fiancé thinks I am being unreasonable, and that I should accept his dog arrangements as they are. What do you think? Should I make peace with the fact that my life now includes weekly dog drop-offs?

Signed,

Doggone Perplexed

**Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: What Do I Do When My Fiancé Shares Her Dog With Her Ex: Doggone Perplexed is in the doghouse with this unusual custody arrangement.** Photo Credit: Unsplash

Dear Perplexed,

The fact that his dog is well cared for, well trained, and treated like a member of his family rather than as a possession, speaks highly of your fiancé.

That said, let’s talk about what’s happening here. One of the main reasons we suffer in life is that we don’t accept people as they are, and situations as they are. This perspective also applies to pets and their people, where feelings can run very deep. While as a non-pet owner, I was initially inclined to agree with you, that your fiancé and his ex should decide once and for all who will take over ownership of this dog. But after speaking with a number of pet-owning friends and colleagues, I have come to a new understanding. Apparently, this sort of arrangement is not as strange or uncommon as it seems. Pet custody arrangements (including lengthy and costly court battles) are on the rise, as are post-break-up joint-custody arrangements. Knowing that this sort of arrangement is not as unusual as it seems may help you see your situation in a new light, and make it a little easier for you to accept this situation as it is.

What is of even greater importance is that you and your fiancé learn to talk about your feelings around issues that come up in your life together. Both you and your fiancé have a right to your feelings. If you are feeling threatened by the continued presence of his ex (though you make no mention of this in your letter), let him know. Invite him to share with you how much this dog means to him. Listen to what he says with compassion. If he feels uneasy with the fact that you waited so long to voice your feelings about the joint custody of his dog, talk about this in a respectful manner, so that you both feel heard and understood. Listen to one another with compassion, and with the intention to arrive at a deeper understanding, and a shared resolution.

Communication is an essential part of a strong, deep, and resilient relationship, and establishing a healthy way of communicating at this stage in your relationship will serve you, your partner, and your pet very well in the future!

Main Image Photo Credit: Unsplash

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: What Do I Do When My Fiancé Shares His Dog With His Ex?

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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