Lifestyle / A Mindful Guide To Understanding The Grieving Process

A Mindful Guide To Understanding The Grieving Process

Lifestyle Jun 14, 2021

by Rachna Sethi

When it comes to grief, it can come in many forms. It can manifest itself differently depending on the person and circumstance. Grief can also stay and linger or it can come and go. There’s no doubt it’s a very heavy time, so we have put together a mindful guide on how to understand the grieving process.

Similar to happiness, grief is a universal, human, experience but that may be where the similarities within the emotions end. Grief is a challenging, difficult experience we may fear; one that we hope not to experience but despite our fears, hopes and even prayers, at some point it falls upon all of us.

Tragedies such as the devastating act of terror driven by Islamophobia that took place in London Ontario and led to the death of four members of the Afzaal family create an immeasurable amount of grief. Overcome by that grief, with the intention to pay respects and show support to the Afzaal’s loved ones and the Muslim community, ten thousands of people attended a vigil in their honor on June 8, 2021 and will continue grieve this horrific loss for years to come – grief has no timeline.

Though most often associated with the death of loved ones, grief can be felt during other life-altering experiences including but not limited to navigating through an illness, the end of a relationship, loss of a job and/or any time we feel shaken to our core and/or that our world has been turned upside down. A formal definition of grief is a mental suffering or distress that is caused by loss or affliction, sharp sorrow, or painful regret. There are no set rules on how to navigate through grief – it’s a very personal experience. Though we cannot control when grief will arise in our lives, we can make the choice to try and learn how to cope with it to better support our mental health and well-being throughout it.

**A Mindful Guide To Understanding The Grieving Process: Allowing ourselves to feel grief is a part of the healing journey.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com/Claudia Wolff

What can help us cope with grief?

Increasing our awareness, understanding and acceptance that healing from grief isn’t always a step-by-step, linear experience; it’s a process with no right or wrong. The notion that grief is a process involving different stages was inspired by a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross who in 1969 wrote a book “On Death and Dying” in which death was described in stages. The well-received model inspired another book by Kübler-Ross co-authored by David Kessler, “On Grief and Grieving” which adapted the stages of death to the grieving process.

Since that well-received book, more stages have been added (some say seven, others 12, others even more) but however many stages you accept as part of the process, important points to keep in mind are that not all the stages are experienced by everyone and that we do not move through them in any specific order. We may experience different stages at different times and/or skip some all together. To help understand grieving as a process at an introductory level, we’ll explore the initial work by Kübler-Ross and Kessler by providing an overview of the five stage model often described as DABDA: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance:

Denial

This stage can involve a feeling of numbness – it may arise as a result of feeling so shocked by the loss that we navigate through actions/motions on autopilot for own survival. This stage may involve a hope that the experience is a nightmare you’ll wake up from and/or the result of an error or false information that will be corrected shortly (for example, the belief your Doctor has misread your lab work and misdiagnosed you with a serious illness). The gut reaction may be to view denial as harmful to us however, it can help us pace through the experience if it’s to overwhelming to fully process immediately. Examples of thoughts that can help you identify if you’re in denial can include (but are not limited to): “This can’t be true,” or “there must be a mistake here.”

Anger

Anger is such a powerful emotion that it’s considered a stage. It’s a natural reaction in times of grieving and one that mental health counsellors tend to agree on as a necessary part of the process. We may fear acknowledging our anger while we grieve however better to face it and find healthy ways to cope with it (for example physical exercise) then bury it which may result in it being expressed through unhealthy behaviors and or actions. Anger during the grieving process is nothing to feel guilt and/or shame about. Anger can help us ensure we are feeling (not numbing and/or avoiding) and when we feel our emotions we can face them. Examples of thoughts that can help you identify if you’re in the anger stage can include (but are not limited to): “Life is so unfair,” or “why do bad things happen to good people?”

Bargaining

Before we grieve, we may be in a space where we feel the loss may be approaching so we attempt to cope through negotiating. We may express and/or offer to do anything to prevent the situation. Examples may include “God, if you just help me get better, I’ll pray everyday” or “if you get back together with me, I will treat you much better.” During this stage, we may also be overcome with feelings of guilt and/or wanting to turn back time. Additional examples of thoughts that can help you identify if you’re in the bargaining stage can include (but are not limited to) “what if I do this, can it prevent that from happening” or “if I could just go back in time, I would act differently.”

Depression

Feelings of depression may arise as we connect more with the present moment. This stage involves us experiencing the reality of our loss, the emptiness we may be feeling as we grieve and it may manifest in us feeling a numbness, a desire to withdraw from reality, from socializing and or leave us feeling hopeless. An intense sadness may overcome us and it’s important for our healing to also accept this stage as completely natural – depression while we are grieving is not something to feel guilt and/or shame about. It’s not something we need to “snap-out of” and or “fix.” Feeling depressed when we experience loss doesn’t mean we aren’t being positive it means we are being human. By increasing our awareness and understanding that depression is a common reaction during grief, we can allow ourselves to talk about it without stigma which can help us in our healing. Examples of thoughts that can help you identify if you’re in the depression stage can include (but are not limited to): “Will this sadness ever go away?,” or “what is the point of trying to move on?” Journaling, therapy, physical exercise, meditation, prayer and support groups are some of the actions we can take to help us cope with feelings of depression.

**A Mindful Guide To Understanding The Grieving Process: Supporting each other without judgment can help us cope with grief.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com/Gus Moretta

Acceptance

Not to be confused with us being “ok” with the situation and/or having completely moved on and/or healed, acceptance is more about us coming to terms with the reality of what’s happened. For example, accepting that our loved one has died and is not coming home may lead to us packing their belongings – it doesn’t mean we aren’t still in pain, it just means we are coming to terms with the reality that they are not coming home. This stage may lead us to have to re-adjust and/or reorganize aspects of our life. It can involve good days and or positive moments paired with hard days and tearful moments. We may begin to want to socialize more and give ourselves permission to have moments of laughter and happiness again without feelings of guilt or shame for accepting our new life circumstances. Examples of thoughts that can help you identify if you’re in the acceptance stage can include (but are not limited to): “I can get through this,” or “is there something I can learn about myself from this experience?”

No matter what stage we may (or may not) experience while grieving, the key takeaway is that grieving is a process that takes time. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, no timeline and no schedule. Grief is deeply personal and no one will experience it in the same way. In addition to understanding it’s a process, other actions we can take to help cope with it and move towards healing include sharing our experiences with grief when we are ready and creating supportive, non-judgmental spaces for others to share with us.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Rachna Sethi

Author

Rachna (@thesassyspiritual) is a graduate of the Applied Mindfulness Meditation program from the University of Toronto, a certified Educator with two bachelor degrees and a diploma in Art Therapy. She's dedicated to living with a compassionate approach. Committed to helping people integrate Mindfuln...

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A Mindful Guide To Understanding The Grieving Process

by Rachna Sethi

Rachna Sethi

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