Culture & Lifestyle / It’s Not Too Late: 5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage

It’s Not Too Late: 5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage

Culture & Lifestyle Sep 02, 2019

Being in a long-term relationship is tough. There are so many challenges (external and internal) but if you’re at the point where you are not sure if it’s worth fighting for, believe us, it’s not too late. Check out these 5 ways you can save your marriage. That is if you really want to. 

We are in an era where the fulfillment of one’s soul is needed and this can cause turbulence when in a relationship. There’s also the extreme of being in a toxic relationship and not knowing whether you should or how you can better the situation you’re in.

So what happens when you feel you may not be married to your soulmate? What do you do when you feel the issues in your marriage have gone beyond repair? Do you call it quits? Do you give it more chances? How long do you invest in a relationship when you feel you and your partner are emotionally and/or physically disconnected?

 

5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage
5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage: Marriage is a big part of our society. Photo Credit: https://www.quora.com

We know how important marriage is in the South Asian community. We hear about it from our aunties. marriage celebrations are often the key plot line of many a Bollywood film. And when it’s time to tie the knot, culturally we have days upon days of celebrations leading up to the big event. Yes, marriage is a big deal.

And here’s the reality: Many couples find themselves moving into life and responsibilities before they get to really know themselves as individuals and know their partners approach to life and goals. There are internal questions that you will ask as to whether you should stay or leave. At the crux of any relationship, what both parties want to feel is love feel loved.

But if you are at the end of the road and not sure if it’s worth saving your relationship these 5 key steps are essential which will give yo a clearer idea on whether you should stay or you should go.

 

1.     Communicate. 

This doesn’t mean that you have to vent all of your frustrations on the other but start creating vulnerable safe spaces to open up and talk about the core gaps you are seeing in the relationship. You also have to allow your partner to answer the areas they see gaps in. This can be hard to hear, but by listening empathetically and pausing any immediate reactions, you will begin to see the relationship from your partner’s perspective.

5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage
5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage: Communication is key. Photo Credit: www.cellcode.us

To ensure effective communication, seek first to understand and then work towards sharing your perspectives so you are understood.  Some interesting questions you can ask your partner are:

Do you know of anything annoying I do that you want me to stop?

Do you feel loved in our relationship?

When was the last time you felt connected and close to me?

Can I share my deepest feelings about us without judgement so we can grow together?

Can we find someone that we both are comfortable with to help us?

Is there a chance that during this tough time, we are at risk of infidelity?

Do you see us growing old together?

Also over the course of your communication, take a moment to understand each other’s love languages.  I have written a blog about the five love languages based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts and it is a great tool to understand your partner’s primary love language and his or her unique ways of receiving love and feeling loved.

 

2.   Deal with the infidelity head on. 

If one of you have cheated you feel there is a fighting chance for the relationship, then deal with this issue head on. The cheater should give up the extramarital affair and have no contact with that individual at all. There has to be a clear and transparent relationship to heal and build trust and if there is a chance the affair will start again, your relationship does not have a fighting chance as the gap in trust will widen and your relationship will eventually end.

 

5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage
5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage: Don’t ignore it. You have to talk about the infidelity. Photo Credit: www.hindi.news18.com

The cheater has to give the partner as much time to heal (with support) and be open to new approaches to ensure the other is reminded of the love that has always been there. True love in a relationship is unconditional. By that I mean the cheater has to be patient to let their partner heal and love them through the times of healing and the times that the wound appears. This does not mean to put up with abusive behaviours but to practice empathy during the tough times. For the one who has been cheated on, there still needs to be a commitment to showing unconditional love by seeking help, and not letting their ego, anger and resentment allow the gap in trust to widen.  Healing from cheating is best when external professional help is sought after.

 

3.     Seek counselling and look for what works for both of you. And no need to tell the world about it either. 

In the South Asian community, counselling or any forms of mental health support has a negative stigma. Openly talking about seeking counselling poses the risk of being seen as lesser than. Pursue this route and keep it to yourselves as you do not need your community’s perspectives holding the progress on your relationship.  Talk to each other about how and who you both feel comfortable talking to. From relationship coaches like myself to medically trained psychologists and even religious counsel such as pastors and priests may be the comfortable go-to for your relationship. Either way, a trusted external advisor that both parties feel good about is a huge step in the right direction.

 

5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage
5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage: Start counselling that’s right for both of you. Photo Credit: https://www.keralakaumudi.com

 

4.     Spend time with each other and ensure physical touching.

Make time for each other.

Today’s life is busy and it is also easy to get distracted with social media and  entertainment. If your relationship is important then it is crucial to make time for each other. This is non negotiable. Spending time with each other will reveal small pockets of intimate moments for real discussion about the gaps or creating trusting loving moments that can be reflected on during the tough times. You both have to create as many positive moments with each other. Ideas for spending time can range from taking walks together, eating dinner together, watching a mutually agreed upon tv show or movie together (while physically being close), doing a fun activity like tree top trekking, exercise classes or festivals. The moments are endless so make time with your partner meaningful and memorable through simple  and new activities.

 

5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage
5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage: Meaningful touching is so important. Photo Credit: www.theblondpond.com

 

During your times together, ensure there is some form of physical touching. This does not mean sex. I mean indulge in hugs, holding hands and a caress of the back. We are all humans that need to feel loved in this way and connection happens through these forms of physical touch so ensure you and your partner do this as you both move towards saving your relationship. Go back and remember when you were dating and all that physical time spent together. “Date” each other again. The spark may not be as intense but it exists and it can be rekindled again. It takes two to want the relationship to work and re-connect again.

 

5.     Accept your partner for the good and bad. Never try change your partner. 

Long term relationships can reveal all the weaknesses you never knew about your partner. This can be a tough reality to deal with if you had your life plan mapped out as a child or through the conditionings of your parents and community’s version of a successful couple.  Ignore the external perceptions and get real about the perceived gaps.

 

5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage
5 Ways You Can Save Your Marriage: Don’t ever try to change them. Acceptance (warts and all) is paramount. Photo Credit: https://www.marriage.com

 

Talk about them in a productive way but do not aim to change your partner. Reveal these truths and perceptions but then let them go.  Your goal is not to change your partner but to accept them for who they are. Start writing down the positives your partner has and focus on those. Encourage your partner and state those positive aspects back to them as a daily ritual but in a genuine way. Statements like “Thank you for helping me with this….”, “I feel so loved when you say this to me….”, “ I appreciate this about you” are statements of affirmation that bring about new energy for your partner and between yourselves. Make a concerted effort to appreciate your partner and their positive qualities. Unless the weaknesses are truly toxic for the relationship, you need to let your partner be who they are meant to be. You would want the same for yourself.

 

While you action the above, you always have to remember why you are together. The spark may have gone but a concerted effort to reconnect is still possible. Write down why you both want to save the relationship and have those reasons posted so they are visible to remind yourselves why you are on this path. Your “whys” will determine the outcome of the relationship and are very powerful in bringing you both back together. You are not alone in this journey we call life.

 

Main Image Photo Credit: https://www.marriage.com

Yvonne Sinniah

Yvonne Sinniah

Author

Yvonne Sinniah (@YvonneSinniah) is a Relations Advisor and inspirational speaker focusing on helping individuals achieve success in personal and professional environments.  focusing on helping individuals achieve success in personal and professional environments.  She is on a mission to meet a nee...

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