Lifestyle / Dear Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Ex Tells His Friends His Cheating Is My Fault

Dear Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Ex Tells His Friends His Cheating Is My Fault

Lifestyle Dec 21, 2022

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about live, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I am six months out of a 20-year relationship. After learning that my partner had been carrying on an affair for years, he blamed me for his infidelities and refused to end his affair, we called it quits. I was devastated and withdrew from engaging with friends. After months of therapy, I recently started reconnecting with people, including a large friend group my former partner and I had been part of for years.

The problem I am struggling with is that I am learning through friends that my partner — who is now in a relationship with the woman he had an affair with — has been falsely accusing me of emotional abuse, and blaming me for his infidelity, and even worse, some of these friends believe his lies. I am devastated and hurt that people who know me would believe his stories. Knowing my former partner as well as I do, I realize that he is trying to justify his choices and actions to friends, but I feel humiliated and deeply hurt that my friends would believe him.

While my head tells me to have nothing to do with these people, I feel like I should defend myself, and share my side of the story. But neither of these options feels right to me. How do I effectively deal with this smear campaign?

Signed, Fuming

Dear Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Ex Blames His Cheating On Me To His Friends: It’s natural to want to share your side of the story when you are dealing with a cheating partner who tells his friends. Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dear Fuming,

My advice to you is exactly the same as I would give to anyone navigating the emotional rollercoaster at the end of a relationship: behave impeccably. As unique and individual as every relationship may be, it is the most sound and effective strategy that will lead you into a new chapter, and minimize hurt and harm.

Choose to heal. Disengage from painful ruminations and gossip. Realize that you do not need to defend yourself. Here’s why: people, through their choices, actions, and reactions, show us not who we are, but who they are. When you’re feeling hurt, humiliated, or fearful, behaving impeccably with the many bumps in the road that arise through the challenging weeks and months in the aftermath of a breakup, shows your friends who you truly are. When you choose to disengage from gossip and focus on healing and letting go of what no longer serves you, you free yourself from prolonging this painful post-break-up phase.

**Dear Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Ex Is Cheating On Me And Blames Me For It: Focus on self-healing.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Fight the urge to lash out against your ex. Remember the adage: living well is the best revenge. Your friends will soon see that you are making healthy choices. They will learn to respect your boundaries and exemplary behavior.

Finally, it is extremely important that you treat yourself with kindness and compassion at this time. Allow yourself to feel bad, somewhat sorry for yourself, and a little afraid. But watch out for negative self-talk, prolonged low moods, and negative forecasting about your future. Take a break from socializing when you’re feeling emotionally drained. And continue to work with your therapist, who will provide you with insights, strategies, and tools to cope with the challenges of moving on.

Dr. Monica

Main Image Photo Credit: www.pexels.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Dear Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Ex Tells His Friends His Cheating Is My Fault

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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