My mother had a heavy hand in who I have become in my life and she did everything in her power to ensure my safety, health, education, and overall happiness. The level of appreciation and love that I have for my mom today wasn’t there just 3 years ago. In fact, I carried a constant resentment towards her for being who she was.
Like most families, my dad was the provider and was always busy taking care of us financially. When I was growing up, my mom took my brother and me on yoga retreats, helped us with our homework, and even took us to India. She made sure we were raised cultured in our tradition and religion. My mom did so much for us because she wanted to ensure we were raised and loved in ways she never was.
Then I hit my teenage years, and I thought I was cooler and smarter than my mom. One moment, some friends were over and my mom came into my bedroom to ask us something, and in a very short, arrogant way, I replied, “No mom, just go away!” She asked me to step out of the room and nicely said, “You don’t talk to me like that. I am your mother.” And she was right.
Yet that feeling of “I know more than my mom” didn’t go away.
As a teenager, I saw my mom as lacking confidence, being overly emotional, and never happy. When I started talking to her about my struggles, we always ended up talking about her. I felt like I had to save her and make her happy, while I could barely do that for myself.
I resented her for making me feel this way. I felt SO MUCH pressure! I tried different things to take the pressure off, but nothing worked.
Until one fine day, I told her my truth.
I said, “Mom I feel like I have to make you happy, and that I’m responsible for you being okay so the family is okay.” That was one of the scariest reveals I had shared up until that point.
She was surprised and told me that she had no idea I felt that way and that she didn’t want me to.
“I am your mom,” she said, “And I go through things and get through them, but you don’t have to take that on.”
My mind was reeling. You mean all these years I had been feeling like this for nothing??
After that conversation, I realized I had been carrying so much energy around this. I cried and cried. I finally felt relief! That’s when the way I saw my mom permanently shifted.
I started to understand her for the HUMAN being that she is. I have realized that I am exactly like her (something I resisted for a long time).
Once I stopped resisting the woman who birthed and nurtured me — the woman I am so much like — I experienced so much freedom in my life. I became curious about how she was raised, what has impacted her in her life and what relationships have shaped her.
By understanding her, I had access to understanding myself more, and now our relationship is open, light, and compassionate.
So here are three steps for you to shift your relationship with your mom:
1) Ask yourself: How do you perceive your mom?
In what ways do you feel hurt by her? How do you feel pressured by her?
2) Get clear on what your truth is about why you took on that pressure. I promise you that she never wanted you to do that.
3) Lovingly share your truth with your Mom.
Source: motherhood.com and parentingteenagers.net
Kavita Patel
Author
Kavita J Patel is a Relationship Expert and Love Specialist on a mission to help women worldwide make quantum leaps in their happiness and love lives. As a second-generation Indian American, Kavita's Indian heritage and spirituality deeply inform her coaching, and bring a blend of Eastern and W...
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