Lifestyle / Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Office Romance Wants To Keep Us A Secret

Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Office Romance Wants To Keep Us A Secret

Lifestyle Apr 20, 2023

by Dr. Monica Vermani

We continue our series where Dr. Monica Vermani answers questions about live, love and everything in between.

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in treating trauma, stress and mood & anxiety disorders, and the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. She is a well-known speaker, columnist and advocate in the field of mental health and wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is now available on Amazon, and her in-depth online self-help program, A Deeper Wellness, offers powerful mental health guidance, life skills, knowledge and healing, anywhere, anytime.

Dear Dr. Monica,

I work for a large company, with over 300 employees in my office, and several thousand employees in total. I met a great guy several months ago at a company function. We instantly connected and began a long-distance relationship, via regular text, phone, and Zoom conversations. We were both excited to learn that he would be working at my office for several weeks.

Those several weeks have now come and gone, and I am left feeling confused and upset. During that time, we saw each other occasionally, on evenings and weekends, but he acted distant — as if he barely knew me at the office. On one occasion, he decided against inviting me to a gala company event. This left me feeling as though our relationship was some kind of secret, and that he was hiding something from me, and going to great lengths to keep our relationship under the radar.

When I asked him about his distant behavior, he assured me that I had nothing to be concerned about, and he was just being professional. I should add that he is in a more senior position than I am, but we are the same age and there are many people who work at this company who met at work, and who are married or in long-term relationships.

I assumed that he lost interest in me when he saw me in person. But now that he is three thousand miles away, he wants to resume our long-distance relationship, but I am left feeling like a failure. Should I end the relationship, or give him another chance.

Signed,

Long Distance Love

**Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Office Romance Wants To Keep Us A Secret: “Long Distance Love” is weary of the mixed messages she’s getting with her office romance.** Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dear Distance,

I’m sure you’ve heard the adage, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your long-distance love turned out to be less appealing in real life. Based on what you have shared in your letter, his treatment of you left you feeling undervalued and isolated. And rather than declaring and celebrating your relationship with friends and colleagues, you were sidelined, ignored, and devalued by the behavior of someone you looked forward to spending time with and introducing as a significant other.

Though you don’t mention this in our letter, I suspect that you were not up-front about expectations in the weeks leading up to his arrival. Further, and quite concerning, is that you allowed him to dictate the terms of your time together, and allowed him to treat you poorly, without, by your own estimation, a reasonable or valid explanation.

Rather than wonder what secrets he may be hiding from you, my advice in this situation is to focus on how you are feeling, and be honest with yourself about how deeply you have been hurt by your long-distance love’s in-person treatment. Accept that you may never know what he may be hiding, or why he treated you in a manner that left you feeling disappointed and devalued. Acknowledge your disappointment in him for treating you so dismissively and disrespectfully. And recognize that you let yourself down by allowing someone to treat you so poorly.

Unless you are interested in carrying on a less-than-promising long-distance entanglement that has already disappointed you in real life, it’s time for you to stand up for yourself and end this unrewarding situation. Time to clear the decks and make way for a relationship with someone who will treat you with respect.

Main Image Photo Credit: www.unsplash.com

Dr. Monica Vermani

Author

Dr. Monica Vermani is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treating trauma, stress, mood & anxiety disorders and is the founder of Start Living Corporate Wellness. Her book, A Deeper Wellness, is coming out in 2021. www.drmonicavermani.com

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Ask Dr. Monica Vermani: Help! My Office Romance Wants To Keep Us A Secret

by Dr. Monica Vermani

Dr. Monica Vermani

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