Issue 73 / How To Keep Your Sex Spark Lit In Your Relationship

How To Keep Your Sex Spark Lit In Your Relationship

Jun 23, 2017

Want to know how you can keep the honeymoon phase of your relationship for years to follow? Take a read below on advice by dating expert Carmelia Ray and ANOKHI’s very own resident sexpert Rebecca Rosenblat on how to keep your sex spark lit.

Relationships can be boring after the initial spark wears off. After a while, making time for your partner can be taken as irrelevant or not important. This is common in the South Asian culture where the larger extended family and community obligations within the culture trump the one-to-one couple time unless both individuals take a concerted effort to set healthy boundaries with those around them.

Today, the modern marriage depends on keeping the momentum going so there is continued passion in the long haul. I have had the privilege of interviewing Sex Therapist Rebecca Rosenblat and Celebrity Matchmaker, Online Dating Expert and Relationship Coach Carmelia Ray to dig deeper on how to keep it hot.

Learn And Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

First off, I highly recommend that couples read Dr. Gary Chapman’s  book The Five Love Languages. Everyone has a primary love language which is the main way that person feels most loved. The five ways include: i) Words of Affirmation ii) Acts of Service iii) Physical Touch iv) Quality Time and v) Gifts. You can learn more about these languages in a previous blog that I wrote about The Five Love Languages and take the online survey that helps determine what your love language is and your partner’s. Click here for the online self-assessment and recognize your own love language.

It’s also important to understand how your partner wants to be loved sexually. Rebecca Rosenblat highly recommends reading The 5 Sex Languages by Dr. Douglas Weiss. Both Roseblat and Ray reiterated that our natural tendency is to show and speak our own love language so you must take some conscious and regular effort to practice your partner’s love languages to draw them more emotionally closer and ensure intimacy is consistently growing as well.

Keep Your Sex Spark Lit
Keep Your Sex Spark Lit: It’s important to learn and understand your partner’s love language. Photo


Date Each Other And Be Spontaneous

I know you’ve heard this before, but it’s worth repeating because the value of this cannot be understated. When you have two busy individuals, date night could simply mean quality alone time without kids, absent of phones, external activities and obligations. This means making your partner a priority. The one-to-one time is of prime importance and should be at least two hours with interaction. (Do not decide to see a movie.)  Within this context, allow yourselves to be spontaneous.

Plan your date night secretly to add another element of surprise. Treat the day or date night like it’s a special holiday like you would for Valentine’s Day. Ray suggests that leading up to the date, send enticing messages or even a personalized telegram (yes go old school!) to the office. Put a love note in your partner’s lunch box. Scavenger hunt is an extremely simple and fun way to be spontaneous and adds the element of surprise to your relationship.

Activity-based dates are highly recommended and better for you. Rock climbing, paint and wine, escape rooms allow both of you to work together and get your bodies moving. Rosenblat recommends that couples pretend like they are dating each other and talk about what fires each other up. If it worked before then it will work again so do what you used to do to get each other’s attention and focus and these movements.

Get A Makeover

Okay before you start firing up those emails to tell me how antiquated this idea is, hear me out. This applies to both men and women. This act of giving yourself a bit of a freshening up is more about you than it is about your partner. Of course it’s great if both of you can get spiffied up and have fun with it together such as a couples spa and shopping day.

However, don’t get stalled if your partner hesitates. Start with yourself and get your partner a gift that enhances his or her wardrobe and look. Note, you aren’t changing your partner. You’re simply enhancing on what they already have. The makeover is to to revitalize your look and boost your confidence. And a note for the guys out there, take that  extra time in the grooming department.

The inner confidence exudes the positive energy and increases the attraction factor between couples. Rosenblat adds that it is also important to ensure couples set aside “fun” money so things like makeovers are within a realistic budget and each can spend their respective “fun” money they way they want.

Keep Your Sex Spark Lit
Keep Your Sex Spark Lit: Massages are always a great way to reconnect with yourself and your partner. Photo Credit:


Mix It Up In The Bedroom

Now the fun part begins. Rosenblat suggests a “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” List be created between partners that enable them to find ways to please each other and try different things. From helping her clients, Rosenblat shares that this list is remarkable and there are often things in there that couples have never thought of.  A “Yes/No Sex List” enables couple to communicate well and open the conversation around sex. Ray recommends that many couples don’t give enough of a chance to simply mix things up.

And women! Listen up! You don’t always wait for the man to initiate intimacy with you. Suggest new moves and make the first one. When the kids aren’t home, make love in different parts of your home. Have fun with it and remove the cultural boundaries and the limiting beliefs you have about sex. When I spoke with men’s health specialist Dr. Danoff, about intimacy, he emphasized that men are very visual creatures and also enjoy the lead time to the grand event. So, put your mind on foreplay and leading conversations over text prior to a sexual experience. It’s all part of the fun, so tease your partner to maximize intimacy. If you are looking for tips on how to sext, check out the hot sexting etiquette tips we shared.

Have Honest, Open And Authentic Communication. Yes Be REAL. 

Sometimes we think we are masters of communication with all of the texting and Snapchatting that we do. However when it comes to real communication it’s still one of the main reasons that many couples struggle. Ensuring you both communicate well is a critical factor to ensure a strong and lasting relationship. The person who keeps everything bottled inside will treat the other badly. Ray has coached many couples who struggle with communication and is a witness to the confusion caused by weak communication.

Silencing a partner causes resentment which is a sure fire way to cause emotional gaps. A time to share and come up with solutions that help both of you move forward ensures growth in the relationship. Ask yourself, if you can’t open up to your partner, then who can you open up to? Your partner is the person you should be able to rely on, talk to and connect to so keep those communication channels open and healthy.

Rosenblat also emphasizes the importance of  being clear on the purpose of communicating as opposed to verbal diarrhea. Keep in mind that women use twice as many words as men and men have half the attention span. Allocate a half hour to an hour of electronic-free time to connect and communicate on a daily basis. Phones are a distraction. Take an active step to set times to connect. Communication is key and is the avenue to healing from past misunderstanding and building a solid foundation and sustainable growth for your relationship.

Keep Your Sex Spark Lit
Keep Your Sex Spark Lit: Forget the texts. Put the phone down and actually have a REAL conversation. Photo Credit:

How does the above article resonate with you? Do you have tips and advice from your experiences? Please share your comments and thoughts with us.

Main Image Photo Credit:

Yvonne Sinniah


Yvonne Sinniah (@YvonneSinniah) is a Relations Advisor and inspirational speaker focusing on helping individuals achieve success in personal and professional environments.  focusing on helping individuals achieve success in personal and professional environments.  She is on a mission to meet a nee...


Newsletter Sign Up

Subscribe to our FREE newsletter for all of the latest news, articles, and videos delivered directly to your inbox each day!

  • PLEASE NOTE: Some of the contents of the newsletter may not be suitable for minors.

    Join A Community That Cares About What Matters To You!

    We Fearlessly Celebrate Our

    Desi Identity!